Blog Talk Radio Host: Discusses with guest the Messenger why in marriages do we play the Blame game? (Part 1) is at 10:00 a.m. and (Part 2) is at 7:00 p.m. Please join us for this topic, Wednesday, June 18, 2008, at 10:00 a.m and 7:00 p.m (Eastern Time)!

The topic is on marriages and how we blame each other in our homes. This blame is leading to conflict, separation, and finally divorce. We need to understand that adultery leads to pain, despair, distrust, and the list goes on and on. Please join us as we try to give some solutions to the blame game that exist in many marriages.

Join us daily at 10:00 a.m., Monday-Friday, 7:00 p.m., Wednesday and 9:00 a.m., and Sundays at 9:00 a.m. every week. We look forward to being with everyday! The call in number to the broadcast is (646) 478-4655 or the link is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships2 .

See ya there!

Michele Hughes, Host

Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Network, BTR 24.8 discusses should I tell my mate I have a disease.

Join us at 10:00 a.m. everyday (Eastern-time). Call in number is (347) 324-5083. Michele Hughes, Author, Expert and Inspirational Coach.  This is an internet radio broadcast.  the link is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships

We welcome your comments and questions! We look forward to hearing your voice on our broadcast!

Have a blessed day!

Michele Hughes, Host

Michele Hughes is a host on Blog Talk Radio.  The name of her broadcast is “Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships show.  The show comes on everyday at 10:00 a.m., Monday through Friday and every Thursday at 9:00 p.m.  The link to join the show is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships or you can call in live at (347) 324-5083.

Michele talks on topics concerning problems occurring in relationships and how to keep and maintain healthy relationships.  We are a society seeking how to obtain better relationships.  And Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Show seeks to address all relationships concerns.

Michele Hughes is an lifestyles expert and inspirational coach.  She is concern about the many failed marriages existing today in and out of the church.  We have to give more attention to who we are dating and why?   And why are we considering this individual as a potential marriage partner.  We are too quick in jumping into marriage contracts.   We need to get more information before we make a life time decision when considering getting married.

Michele Hughes takes time on her show to address issues that most people do not want to talk about.  She cares about meeting the needs of her audience.  She has a caring heart.  She laughs, cries,  and talks to each person as if they were family.  She knows no strangers.

Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Show is the show of the year.  And please tell a friend to turn on their computer at 10:00 a.m. to hear  Michele Hughes talk about relationships and lifestyles.  She is the expert, and she cares!

See ya on the show!

The show that is a must listen to show on Blog Talk Radio is Love Sex Marriage and Relationship Show.  This is a show that is helping people with their challenging relationships.  The Host and Expert, Michele R. Hughes is enjoying giving out very important information that has a bible base soundness when giving out advice.  People call in and receive and give advice to its listening audience.   This is the talk of the town show.  You can find it on Blog Talk Radio.  You can go to http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships2.  It is heard Monday through Friday at 10:00 a.m.  and Wednesdays at 7:00 p.m.

You will enjoy the controversial topics found everyday on this show!

We look forward to you join us everyday and please give your comments by calling in at (646)-478-4655.

See ya on the show!

Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Network Daily!

Click Here!

 Tawana Williams, Motivational Speaker/Author

Tawana Williams is a powerful Motivational Speaker and Author.  She was born without arms, but she is “UNARMED BUT DANGEROUS,” this is the name of her book.  She is going to be interviewed on Blog Talk Radio.  She is the Special guest on Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Show with Host Michele R. Hughes.  You can tune-in to this show on April 16, 2008, Wednesday at 10:00 a.m.,  at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships  or call in live at (347) 324-5083.

       Tawana didn’t allow her disability to stop her from becoming a successful spokes person for those who are living with a handicap. 

       Tawana has many gifts and accomplisments.   She’s an author, an artist, a poet, a vocalist, a wife, mother, and CEO of Tawana Williams Outreach, Inc.

       She has been a guest on the Jerry Springer Show, featured on Judge Hatchett Show and was chosen to be a mentor.  She has also had appearances on other television shows.  Tawana was priviledged to have interviews with Oprah’s and The Montel Williams Show Producers.

      Tawana and her husband Toby were show cased in the “Homes of Color Magazine,” “Hope for Women Magazine” and “Epitome Magazine.”

      Tawana is a member of Les Brown’s Platinum Speaker’s Network.  And she was the Special Guest for the World Renowned Motivational Speaker, Les Brown at the Speaker’s Network Training in Atlanta, Georgia. 

     Tawana is the speaker you will want at your next event, women’s conference, corporation, workshop, or seminar,  etc.  Tawana captivates the mind and hearts of her audience. 

     Tawana Williams can be contacted at  http://www.tawanawilliams.com.   

  The pictures above are as follows:  1. Toby and Tawana Williams, with her husband  2.  Tawana using her feet drawing a picture, she is an artist, 3. Tawana as a kid with no arms  4.  Tawana’s book, Unarmed but Dangerous 5. picture of Tawana Williams.

    Please join Tawana Williams on Blog Talk Radio, with host Michele R. Hughes.  Remember: April 16, 2008, Wednesday, at 10:00 a.m. on  Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationships Show.   You can join this show at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships or call in live at (347) 324-5083.  You do not want to miss this show. Come and hear Tawana Williams story.   Tell a friend that Motivational Speaker Tawana Williams is going to join us on Blog Talk Radio.    Spread the word, let her inspire you to tap into your gifts and talents. 

See ya then!

 Michele and Lauren 
 

Are you looking to purchase a hot book that will give you great information on  relationships; along with a hands on workbook for any married couple or single person who is looking to have a good relationship. 

Well, do not look any further please get the “The Secret’s Out,  the pain of conditional love. 

                        WHAT’S INSIDE THE BOOK:  You will read a true story on top of receiving the following; 12 principles to a successful marriage relationships, Questions and Answers in Choosing a mate, Questions to ask before leaving your spouse, Why did God create man and woman, Twelve Truths, Questions to ask before commiting to a relationship, why do relationships emerge, Pre-marital inventory check list, and much more…

The author, Michele Hughes put time into this book to make sure relationships would be able to grow from the information enclosed in the book.  This is a book that families can give away as gifts to their children and grandchildren.  The purpose of this book is to add value, love, joy and happiness to any relationship. 

Are you looking for answers to having a great relationship.  This is a must read book.  It will give any marriage revitalization to their sacred vows. The engaged couple will gain the necessary guidance to a loving marriage.

People are talking about the book, because it helps everyone to have better relationships. 

Tell me, What are you waiting on, go and purchase the book today at your local book store, on Amazon.com, or Barnes and Noble.com.   It will enhance your marriage or relationship.  You will be very glad you got the book today!  

Please let us know what value, and good information that you received from reading this book.  We want to know, so we can tell others!

Happy relationships,

The Secret’s Out Staff

Compulsive sexual behavior

Introduction

Sexual expression is a natural part of a well-rounded life. But if you have an overwhelming urge for sex and are so intensely preoccupied with it that your health, job, relationships or other areas of your life are affected, you may have compulsive sexual behavior.

Compulsive sexual behavior is sometimes called hypersexuality, nymphomania or erotomania. Others call it sexual addiction — comparing the “high” of sexual activity with alcohol, drug or gambling addictions. But compulsive sexual behavior is generally considered an impulse control disorder — a disorder in which you can’t resist the temptation or drive to perform an act that’s harmful to you or someone else. In compulsive sexual behavior, a normally enjoyable behavior is taken to an extreme.

No matter what it’s called, compulsive sexual behavior is a very real problem that interferes with everyday living and can even jeopardize your health. But with treatment and self-help programs, you can learn to manage compulsive sexual behavior and develop a healthier sexual life.

Signs and symptoms

Compulsive sexual behavior symptoms vary in type and severity. The impulses to engage in sexual behavior can be chronic and intense, and may feel as if they’re beyond your control. In general, if your sexual behavior is compulsive, you may have these behavior patterns:

• Having multiple sexual partners or extramarital affairs
• Having sex with anonymous partners or prostitutes
• Avoiding emotional involvement in sexual relationships
• Using commercial sexually explicit phone and Internet services
• Engaging in excessive masturbation
• Frequently using pornographic materials
• Engaging in masochistic or sadistic sex
• Exposing yourself in public (exhibitionism)

People with compulsive sexual behavior often use sex as an escape from other problems, such as loneliness, depression, anxiety or stress. You may continue to engage in risky sexual behavior despite serious consequences, such as health problems, the potential for sexually transmitted diseases and the loss of important relationships.

Men and women with compulsive sexual behavior may be married or in a committed relationship and appear to live otherwise normal lives. In reality, they often have trouble establishing and maintaining emotional intimacy. They seek gratification through sexual behavior, but are unlikely to achieve emotional fulfillment and their lives may feel empty. Compulsive sexual behavior can affect anyone regardless of sexual preferences, including heterosexual, homosexual and bisexual preferences.

Causes

It’s not known what causes compulsive sexual behavior. Scientific research into sex addiction is relatively new, and researchers are still investigating possible causes, including:

• Brain abnormalities. Certain diseases or conditions may cause damage to parts of the brain that affect sexual behaviors. Multiple sclerosis, epilepsy and dementia all have been associated with compulsive sexual behavior. In addition, treatment of Parkinson’s disease with dopamine agonist medications may induce compulsive sexual behavior.
• Natural brain chemicals. The neurotransmitters serotonin, dopamine, norepinephrine and other naturally occurring chemicals in the brain play an important role in sexual functioning and may be related to compulsive sexual behavior, although it’s not clear how.
• Androgens. These are sex hormones that occur naturally in both men and women. Although androgens also have a vital role in sexual desire, it’s not clear how they may be related to compulsive sexual behavior.
• Changes in the brain’s circuitry. Some researchers theorize that compulsive sexual behavior is an addiction that over time can actually cause changes in the brain’s neural circuits — the network of nerves that allows brain cells to communicate with one another. These changes may cause pleasant physiological reactions by engaging in sexual behavior and unpleasant reactions when the behavior is stopped.

Risk factors

Compulsive sexual behavior affects both men and women of all ages. It’s not known with certainty, though, just how many people have compulsive sexual behavior. It’s generally estimated to affect 3 percent to 6 percent of U.S. adult. More men than women are diagnosed with compulsive sexual behavior. However, women may simply be less likely to seek treatment and so are diagnosed less often.

Some experts believe that other psychological disorders may increase the risk of developing compulsive sexual behavior as an unhealthy coping mechanism. For example, if you were sexually, emotionally or physically abused as a child, you may have developed an unhealthy attitude toward sex, or feel ashamed and unworthy. Such feelings can inhibit normal sexual expression and intimacy resulting in extremes in sexual activity. Many people who engage in compulsive sexual activity report a past history of sexual or physical abuse.

When to seek medical advice

Most people with compulsive sexual behavior need professional treatment. Efforts to treat yourself or use sheer willpower to resist sexual compulsions are often unsuccessful because the urges are so powerful.

Here are some questions to ask yourself as you contemplate whether to seek professional help:

• Can I control my sexual behavior?
• Is my sexual behavior hurting my relationships, affecting my work, or resulting in negative consequences, such as getting arrested?
• Is sex constantly on my mind, even when I don’t want to think about it?
• Do I try to conceal my sexual exploits?

If you’re concerned that you’re obsessed with sex, look for a mental health provider who specializes in treating sexual behavior disorders. Your family doctor may be able to give you the name of a specialist, or you can contact a nearby major medical center and ask for a referral.

Seeking help for a sexual addiction can be difficult because it’s such a deeply personal matter. Try to set aside any shame or embarrassment you may feel and focus on the benefits of getting treatment.

Screening and diagnosis

Because there’s been little scientific research about compulsive sexual behavior, many aspects of this problem aren’t yet fully understood. Some psychiatric experts believe it’s related to obsessive-compulsive disorder, while others believe it’s related to addiction and still others to impulse control disorders.

In any case, compulsive sexual behavior isn’t yet considered an official, distinct disorder. However, it can be diagnosed as a subtype of an impulse control disorder or a sexual disorder. Some forms of compulsive sexual behavior may be considered a paraphilia — a socially unacceptable or illegal sexual act, such as fetishism or pedophilia. Conventional forms of compulsive sexual behavior, though, are simply normal sexual activities, such as masturbation, taken to an extreme.

For most mental health conditions, a diagnosis is made based on criteria spelled out in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM). This manual is published by the American Psychiatric Association and is used by mental health professionals to diagnose mental conditions and by insurance companies to reimburse for treatment.

There are no specific DSM criteria for compulsive sexual behavior, however. And it’s sometimes difficult to determine when normal sexual behavior crosses the line into excessive or compulsive sexual behavior.

So to help make a diagnosis, mental health providers perform a thorough psychological evaluation. They ask questions about your sexual thoughts, behaviors and compulsions as well as your overall emotional well-being. They may ask about your use of drugs and alcohol, and about your family, relationships and social situation to determine if your behavior is negatively affecting your life. Your family and friends may be asked for their input. You may also have a thorough physical exam to see if a physical condition may be causing your sexual addiction.

 Reprints and permissions

By Mayo Clinic Staff
Sep 20, 2007

© 1998-2008 Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research (MFMER). All rights reserved. A single copy of these materials may be reprinted for noncommercial personal use only. “Mayo,” “Mayo Clinic,” “MayoClinic.com,” “EmbodyHealth,” “Reliable tools for healthier lives,” “Enhance your life,” and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo

From The Times

March 28, 2008

Getting married?

It could end in divorce

in ten years

Richard Ford, Home Correspondent

Are you going to a wedding this week-end? Nearly half the happy couples you see walking down the aisle will divorce before they
reach their 10th wedding anniversary.

One in ten of the marriages will not make it past five years and 45 per cent will, ultimately, end in divorce, if the current rate of breakdowns continue.

The United Kingdom now has the highest rate of divorce since records began, with the rate rising from 37 per cent two decades ago to a new high of 45 per cent in 2005, according to figures released from the Office of National Statistics.

The latest divorce predictions come a day after the ONS published figures showing that the proportion of men and women in England and Wales choosing to marry was at the lowest level since the figure was first calculated in 1862.

Churches and organisations supporting marriage yesterday called for couples to be given much more preparation before marrying, but admitted that this is increasingly difficult with the decline of religious services in fa-vour of civil ceremonies.

A spokesman for the Church of England said: “Projections are dangerous things but these are worrying figures”.

He added: “The church sees marriage as a good thing. It recommends marriage to couples as something that can help them to grow together in God’s love. But it also offers good preparation and support through the marriage. Often today this kind of preparation and support is lacking.”

The latest figures show that the proportion of marriages in England and Wales ending in divorce by the 50th anniversary has risen from 34 per cent in 1979-80 to 45 per cent in 2005.

The good news is that if a couple manage to stay married for ten years the survival rates improve. At 20 years, only 15 per cent will end up in divorce and beyond the 25 year mark – the Silver Wedding – just a few will end in the divorce courts.

“Divorce rates in 2005 suggest that approximately forty five per cent of marriages will end in divorce,” the ONS said in its Spring Population Trends bulletin.

It added that if divorce and mortality rates remain unchanged from 2005, ten per cent of those marrying now will celebrate their 60th wedding anniversary with 45 per cent of marriages ending due to divorce and 45 per cent due to the death of one partner.

Couples who marry young and those who remarry have a higher proportion of their marriages ending in divorce, the ONS said.

Terry Prendergast, of Marriage Care, said the figures indicated that a lot of people were failing to prepare properly for marriage or entered into marriage with an unrealistic perspective.

He said that people marrying in the Roman Catholic Church had to undergo preparation, but there was no similar system for those who choose a civil ceremony.

“One of the difficulties with marriage is that it is often a dynamic and troubling relationship. Couples are driven on by the intense emotional drive of their coming together but have not thought about how they are going to live together or what it means to be in a long term relationship,” Mr Prendergast said.

He also highlighted the unrealistic expectations portrayed in Hollywood films of people living happily every after. “Couples need to be helped to manage their marriages and negotiate their way through difficulties,” he said.

Mr Prendergast said that Marriage Care, a relationship counselling organisation drawn from the Roman Catholic community, frequently saw people who thought that their marriage problems were terminal but after discussion realised that with give and take it was viable.

Claire Tyler, Chief Executive of Relate said: “Divorce is clearly a reality for many people today and these figures bring into sharp focus not only the number of adults coping with relationship breakdown, but also the children affected by divorce.

“More must be done to help fragile relationships survive. Firstly we need to see earlier intervention for couples hitting problems in their relationship so that they are able to access help before they reach crisis stage. Secondly, we need to do more to help children learn about healthy relationships within schools.”

Yesterday’s figures also show that 22 per cent of 146,956 births in England and Wales in 2006 were to mothers born outside of England and Wales – the highest proportion since the collection of information on parents’ country of birth began in 1969.

The ONS figures also showed that 69 per cent of the projected UK population rise of 10.5 million between 2006-2031 will be driven directly or indirectly by migration. Forty seven per cent or 4.9 million of the increase will be a result of net migration into Britain with the remainder being the result of births to new migrants.

• Have your say

Women initiate most divorces, a sign of the times I’m afraid, the result of the current empowerment of females. You see it in the media all the time. The obsession in society with selfish thinking always puts ‘me’ first.
Gone are the days when children are foremost, family is foremost. Dysfunctional family life is becoming the norm. It is not a good thing.
I see a society built on selfishness, supported by debt with little moral base. Decadence.
How I wish I had left this country long ago. It seems I must stay and watch Rome burn.
This country is led by people with no moral vision, presiding over a nation that is slowly/fast becoming anything but ‘Great Britain.’

cpowell, Soke on Trent, Staffs

In total agreement with Kenneth on the value of the Church in preparing people for marriage, but also slightly perplexed. Only a couple of days ago the BBC were reporting that divorce rates had fallen substantially. Surely there could have been a positive spin on this article?

Meg, Pembs,

Why the prejudice against the church? Surely the church has a voice here given that a large number of people still want to be married by the church! Who else offers any comparable marriage preparation courses? Of course the church has glaring weaknesses - which the media often highlight - but it also does a vast amount of unpublicised, high quality work with people preparing to be married, having difficulty in marriage and going through divorce.

Kenneth, Porlock,

Bear in mind, marriage originated at a time when women wer married off at the ripe old age of 12, and the average life expectancy was about 35. Chastity was encouraged until marriage to reduce the spread of sexually transmitted diseases and enforce the power of religious institutions. So you could expect a marriage to last 20 years or so. Now with a life span of 80+, someone marrying at 20 will have to put up with thier partners foibles. moods and idoisyncracies for THREE times the amount of time. It’s no wonder the divorce rate is climbing. The excitement of youth quickly gives way to the dullness of daily routine, and eventually the boredom of being with the same person day after day.

Ron, Milton Keynes, Bucks

Reluctance to marriage not only soldifies the main earner’s (or the richer partner) financial assets, it also keeps their relationship away from the legal system - and hence away from the greedy hands of lawyers.

Howard, Manchester,

Why do we have to have a comment from the church?

Charlie, Munich,

It just echoes the rest of society. Everyone thinks they have the right to get what they want and get it now no matter what. That goes with relationships as well, when someone ‘better’ comes along, there goes the current relationship for what looks to be like a more inspiring/heated/passionate one because the last one has hit some problems. No one is taught to commit or to work for something. If you want it now, just use a credit card or a loan. If you want someone else, just divorce your wife.

Society doesn’t care for the sanctity of sex or marriage and wedding cermonies are just a way to show how much money you have (cue OK and other magazines).

People say religion is dangerous but when what WAS a Christian country is increasingly rejecting God, is it just coincidence that violence, anger, hatred etc. is on the increase? Or is religion dangerous because it means you have to have self control? Things may be permissable, but divorce, extra-committal sex etc. is never beneficial

Phil, Guildford,

Statistics can be tricky things to interpret. The report from the Office of National Statistics does, indeed, say that nearly half (45 per cent) of marriages will end in divorce. But it then goes on to say (my emphasis added in CAPS) ‘almost half of THESE divorces will occur before couples reach their tenth anniversary’. So, according to my interpretation, it’s going to be ‘only’ around 20 per cent of marriages that don’t make it to the 10th anniversary. Not quite so dramatic.

Jon Cousins, Peterborough, Cambridgeshire

The reason there are so many divorces is because people can. That’s all. People used to be stuck in a loveless marriage, now they don’t have to be anymore.

M.R., Stockport,

“Does it make sense to marry a woman if you know that she and her lover will elope with half of your money?”

If you take your ex hubby to court, perhaps. But some women don’t want to do that to their kids and end up with zilch, zip, nothing whatsoever.

M.R., Stockport,

I found the preparation for marriage provided by the Catholic church utterly hopeless. It was simply used as an opportunity to restate the old dogmas about sex and the traditional role of women and was completely irrelevant to lives of modern, working couples.

Chris, Dorking, Surrey,

My ex husband has the house I paid for. Purely because I didn’t want to go to court, since that would upset my son even further. Stop feeling sorry for yourself, men.

M.R., Stockport,

After the Mills McCartney fiasco last week and the fact that half of marriages will end in divorce then who in their right mind would ever want to get married?

It has been very amusing to see the Tories blame the current state of the instituion of marriage on the Labour party, the tax system, feminism, civil partnerships or gay rights when the real culprit is the very real, but under reported, phenomenon of marriage strike.

I will, therefore, ask the question again - who in their right mind will ever want to get married and why are the Tories determined to flog this dead horse?

Jason Mead, Bristol, England

These alarming figures underline the necessity for agreements regulating marital finances, e.g. pre-nuptial, post-nuptial and separation agreements, which are now on the increase thanks to emerging case law giving them legal recognition, subject to various safeguards.

Mark Andrew LL.B (Hons.)
Agreements.co.uk

Mark Andrew LL.B (Hons.), Soho, London

Does it make sense to marry a woman if you know that she and her lover will elope with half of your money?
Change the law to be more balanced between the two sides instead of using legal violence towards the most noble feeling on earth, the Love.

Neile, Avon,

These figures show that the decision taken by many couples to marry, often taken under excessive social pressure, was the wrong one. Fortunately the influence of the Church in our society is in decline, and couples are now more inclined to consider the merits and demerits of marriage without regard to anachronistic and potentially harmful beliefs.

Des, Edinburgh,

Given that 70% of divorces are initiated by women and that the law has recently been changed to allow for no reason whatsoever to be cited for divorce, it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on. Clearly, from the lowest marriage figures ever, most men are aware that marriage is highly undesirable.

Edward, London,

There are many issues affecting relationships and whether long term relationships are viable. Todays social environment no longer stops at the edge of the county, but has become a global dating pool. With travel abroad accessible to most, online dating, increased migration, there are many more considerations in trying to make a relationship work. Also only hinted at are issues of governmental origin, such as legislation and social engineering. Increased divorce rates are attributed to legislative changes in 1979 which made divorce for women, more accessible. This trend was reiterated around the world. But little debate has been aired about the recent changes in legislation surrounding, financial equality, property ownership, custody vs shared parenting issues. Whilst financial equality can be written into property division laws with the flick of a pen, attitudes are much slower to change. Maybe they won’t…marriage seems less popular after all.

Caroline, Auckland, New Zealand

From The Times

March 28, 2008

I’m in love with an older woman

Dr Thomas Stuttaford and Suzi Godson

Q I’m a 42-year-old man in love with a beautiful fiftysomething woman. She says we don’t have a future together because of the age gap. Is she right?

DR THOMAS STUTTAFORD

A When Benjamin Disraeli, the Victorian statesman, married a woman appreciably older than he was, eyebrows were raised. But the Queen, society and his fellow politicians soon accepted it. Now, when the actress Tilda Swinton, who is in her mid-forties, travels the world with a much younger man, the age difference seems immaterial.

Unfortunately, we don’t know whether your lover is 9 or 17 years older than you are, whether she is nearly 60 or only 50. Ten years one way or the other doesn’t alter the principle that, in the short term, the age of a partner doesn’t matter a damn, so long as you are both happy. However, your lover makes an important point that a wide age gap could in the long term alter the future of your relationship. If you had planned to have children, it could be that any strong desire for fatherhood and the perpetuation of your genes has been temporarily assuaged by the initial lustful stage of a new relationship. However, in later years, when your marriage should have been moving easily into the stages of acceptance and deep friendship that characterises long relationships, the lack of a family and long-founded joint interests might cause strains and resentments. These could lead to you regretting your decision.

Everyone knows people who have married older partners. Some of these unions have been outstandingly successful and the couple’s happiness together has never waned. In other cases, once the elder of the two becomes infirm, the difference in age may cause resentments.

It is worrying that you place such emphasis on your partner’s beauty, although “fiftysomething”. Ageing can’t be disguised for ever and intellectual behaviour as well as physique are bound to change with increasing years. It is more difficult to hide a failing memory, slower reactions and increasing conservatism than it is to Botox away wrinkles or suck out excess fat.

When an affair is as new, sensuous and passionate as yours seems to be, it is difficult to make a detached appraisal of it. The obsessional nature of love can extinguish reason but, despite this, your lover has obviously been analysing your relationship and you need to do so as well. You have to ask yourself what the basis of your mutual attraction is. It could be that for both of you it is mainly lust, and whereas your partner knows this, accepts it and even hints about it to you, you deny it.

If she is nearly 60, she may be dreading even the possibility of a slippers-by-the-fireside existence. The arrival of an outlet for her libido in the form of a comparatively young man, who not only desires her sexually but seems to be committed to her, might well have seemed like a lifebelt. Conversely, she may see your relationship as sex with friendship and might even be beginning to fear that long-term commitment to a younger person would be demanding, tiring and restrict her freedom.

Or possibly, like a female celebrity, she sees an attentive handsome younger man as a status symbol, a trophy that reflects her success to her contemporaries. In the past older men enjoyed the look of envy that a younger, pretty woman on their arm inspired in male colleagues. So why deny this pleasure to women?

Dr Thomas Stuttaford, The Times doctor, spent many years working in a genitourinary clinic

SUZI GODSON

A She is lucky to have found you. Men tend to date downwards and the older a woman gets the harder it is for her to find a partner. It’s a trend that is changing. The US National Association of Retired Persons surveyed its members a couple of years ago and found that 34 per cent of all women over 40 were dating younger men. But, by and large, women who are single in their mid to late-fifties find it much harder to get a date than women in their late-thirties.

The average age at which a woman hits menopause is 51. While some women breeze through it, others say that they come out the other side feeling redundant. Besides the deafeningly silent biological clock, women in their mid to late-fifties describe a feeling of invisibility. We live, after all, in a society that worships youth and beauty, and however gorgeous your girlfriend is now, the chances are she feels that she was far more so 20 years ago. Even women as fabulous as Julie Christie, 66, find the ageing process challenging. In a recent interview with The Times, she admitted: “I’m tempted every time I look in the mirror. You want to get your face back when you see all the lines around your chin, neck, eyes, mouth and your bloody arms and everything else.”

Women over 50 are the biggest consumers of cosmetic surgery and they are also more susceptible to long-term depression, but the lucky few, like your girlfriend, find a much more pleasurable way of making themselves feel more attractive. The older woman-younger man relationship works well on so many levels. He gets a more experienced partner. She gets a partner with a higher libido and no love handles. Older women are generally richer. Younger men who may not be so advanced in their careers tend to be less tied down, so they can spend more time with their partner. If you have similar energy levels and you’re comfortable with the fact that she is never going to pass for 25, then the only remaining elephant in the room is children.

The desire to procreate may be low on your list of priorities now, but it can sneak up on you out of nowhere. It’s no surprise that Demi Moore, 45, and Ashton Kutcher, 30, the poster couple for older woman-younger man relationships, are having a baby. It’s an insurance policy for Moore, but it’s not something that your girlfriend can consider, so she needs to make sure that you are not going to roll over in six months and tell her that you have always really wanted a handful of kids and a Renault Espace.

Although there is never a guarantee that any relationship will last, the older a woman gets, the less inclined she is to take risks with her mental health. Your girlfriend is raising the stakes (some would say shooting herself in the foot) by forcing you to address your long-term intentions so early in the relationship, but I feel for her. Life is hard and all any of us want is a little love and affection and some sort of guarantee that we won’t be hurt or humiliated.

Your beautiful fiftysomething girlfriend isn’t saying that you don’t have a future together. She is asking you to consider the sacrifices and the benefits of being in a relationship with someone who is technically old enough to have given birth to you. And then she wants you to tell her that what you have always really wanted is her.

Suzi Godson is author of The Sex Book (Cassell, £16.99) and The Body Bible (Penguin, £16.99)

• Have your say

As a fifty-something woman in a long-term relationship with a forty-something man (a 9 year gap) neither of us has a problem with the age issue. However, if one partner in a reltionship does have a problem, then it says something about their own attitude - maybe it will change, but maybe they are putting up mental blocks which cannot be overcome. If she doesn’t want a future together badly enough to forget the age thing, then there’s not a lot that can be done about it.

Sarah, Bad Liebenstein, Germany

Sex addiction

Jonesing for a sexual fix? You’re not alone

Jennifer Parks, edmontonjournal.com

Published: Friday, March 28

Sex was his fix, his high — his way out from thinking about an abusive past that haunted him. Then the abyss of addiction he fell into nearly destroyed his life.

“My drug of choice was whatever you got — a smorgasbord of pornography, hookers, anonymous partners. My goal was (to score) every day. It was like being a junkie,” says Jim, a 34-year-old Edmonton executive and married father of two.

In his darkest hours, he was a Jekyll and Hyde in a three-piece suit, skipping work to troll for prostitutes or hook-up for free sex with someone he’d met online.

View Larger Image

Addicted to sex? Get help.

Illustration by Nickelas Johnson

 ”It was like a second job. I felt completely out of control, utterly hopeless. I’d become a passenger in my own life,” says Jim, whose infidelity and lies started before his marriage, and continued for years before a regular sex partner contacted his wife in a jealous rage one night and blew his cover.

“It’s where I hit bottom,” he says, relieved.

Sexual addiction is a sexually related compulsive behaviour that interferes with daily life, puts extreme stress on loved ones, and jeopardizes one’s work life and relationships, says Dr. Patrick Carnes on his online resource for sex addiction and recovery. Carnes is a psychologist and pioneer in sexual addiction research.

The Society for the Advancement of Sexual Health estimates that sexual addiction and compulsivity affects three to five per cent of the U.S. population, and these stats may be applied to Canadians because the two countries have similar cultures with respect to media and Internet content, says a local psychologist who trained under Carnes.

“Likely, these numbers are higher because they’re only based on individuals who seek treatment. And we’re just at the tip of the iceberg,” says Doris Vincent of Recovery Path Counselling in Edmonton.

Sexual addiction is an exploding problem that is being fuelled by easy Internet accessibility, affordability and anonymity, argues Vincent.

“There’s a high degree of acceptance in our culture of sexualizing and objectifying, and people who are isolated and in pain are highly susceptible to addiction,” she says.

Jim recalls how Internet porn sites seduced him with ever-more enticing images and offerings.

“I’d plan to surf for 15 minutes, but then I’d look up and it would be three hours later,” he says. “I had no control over what I was doing.”

Not to be mistaken for a high libido or strong sex drive, sexual addiction renders the addict completely powerless to patterns of destructive behaviour that escalate over time.

But it’s not about the sex at all; rather, it’s the mood-altering state induced by sexually related behaviour that temporarily numbs the pain of past trauma, says Vincent.

“With all addictions, there is an underlying problem and difficulty of managing feelings. Addictive substances or behaviours affect the brain chemically, inducing a buzz or a high, and eventually the brain begins to demand more and more,” she says.

But, ironically, the addict’s “acting out” only serves to reinforce the guilt, shame and self-loathing rooted in the original trauma. So the destructive cycle continues, sometimes indefinitely.

As many as 97 per cent of sex addicts were emotionally abused and 81 per cent lived with sexual abuse, according to Carnes’ research based on a survey of 1,000 sexual addicts in recovery.

For Jim, his “acting out” often reflected his early traumatic memories.

“I now see that I was recreating an experience — often abuse scenarios with anonymous partners — to feel better emotionally,” he says.

But relief was only temporary — a Band-Aid repeatedly ripped off from a raw, open wound.

“The addiction is still like a cheese grater constantly, but I’m working to build new coping strategies,” says Jim, who attends a sexual addictions support group that is founded on the same principles of the 12-step model used by Alcoholics Anonymous.

There is some debate in the medical community over whether sex addiction is a bona fide psychological disorder or not.

Sexual addiction is not listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a diagnostic guide used by psychologists and psychiatrists, and this may be because there are conflicting views over what it is exactly, says Vincent.

Sexual addiction shares similar behaviours with illnesses like bipolar disorder and obsessive-compulsive disorder, which can cause sexual obsessions and, in some cases, an acting out of obsessions, she says.

“Some doctors will treat sex addiction as a symptom of another diagnosis, not as an addiction in and of itself. But it’s my belief that you have to treat the addiction first, whatever the underlying problem may be,” says Vincent.

There is very little empirical research to support sex addiction as a clinical condition, says Robin Milhausen, an assistant professor of sexuality at Guelph University.

“First, it is important to note that addiction is characterized by a physiological dependence on a chemical substance. Sex is not a substance, nor are there withdrawal symptoms if a person goes without sexual contact,” says Milhausen.

Also, addictions tend to progress from less severe behaviour to more severe, but sexual behaviour does not occur in a hierarchy, she argues.

“Masturbation does not inevitably lead to pornography, and pornography does not inevitably lead to soliciting prostitutes,” says Milhausen. “The sex-addiction model pathologizes healthy sexual behaviours, such as masturbation, and sexual behaviours that occur outside of the context of a monogamous, dyadic relationship.”

Despite controversy around sexual addiction, thousands of self-identified addicts seek support in recovery through groups like Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Anonymous. Currently, there are over 900 Sex Addicts Anonymous meeting groups around the world.

Jim swears by his regular attendance at meetings. He says they keep him grounded and focused on his healing, while bolstering his willpower to deflect any sexual cravings as they arise which do not support his healing or honour his long-term relationship. Lucky for him, he’s still got his wife by his side to help him.

That’s not to say he can’t have sex — just not outside the context of his marriage. He’s also made the personal choice to give up masturbation. Although he doesn’t think it’s inherently “evil,” he says “it’s like a drink” for him, and tends to fuel his desire to act out again.

“Every day, I’m thankful for what happened. I have no regrets, because it brought me here to this point,” says Jim. “I’m a sex addict. I have been sober for one year.”

© Edmonton Journal 2008

March 29, 2008, 8:55AM
Black Marriage Day targets

festering community problem

By DIONNE WALKER Associated Press Writer
© 2008 The Associated Press

RICHMOND, Va. — The questions Richmond activist Adia Blackmon

posed to a group of 13 girls were basic.

How many wanted to be mothers?

Blackmon, charged with mentoring the girls, counted 13 arms in the air.

How many wanted to be wives?

Their response shed light on a community that leads

the nation in levels of single-parent homes.

“Only one hand went up,” said Blackmon, who was floored by

the response from black girls as young as 11.

“They said they wanted the fathers to be involved and wouldn’t mind them coming around,” she said. “But they did not want to be married to them.”

Blackmon will join churches and community groups in some 200 cities nationwide taking a moment Sunday to celebrate — and they hope, encourage — lasting unions as part of Black Marriage Day.

Through vow renewal ceremonies and relationship seminars, photo exhibits and awards dinners, they’re tackling an epidemic of broken homes community leaders blame for everything from crime to poverty in black America.

Mayors in heavily black Southern cities such as Durham, N.C. — as well as the governor of Nebraska — have recognized the day; community groups in Philadelphia, Los Angeles and Detroit also have organized celebrations.

In Dallas, a “Black Marriage Hall of Fame” photo exhibit is set for display at a city museum and later, at Love Field airport.

Holiday founder Nisa Muhammad hopes to see 5,000 couples renew their vows across 37 states. She launched the marriage initiative in 2003 with 30 cities.

“I just got tired of hearing all the negative things about black marriage — ‘Somebody’s done me wrong,’ ‘We’re breaking up,’” said Muhammad, head of the Wedded Bliss Foundation, in Washington D.C.

“One of the goals of Black Marriage Day is to create cultural change so that the black community begins to look at marriage differently.”

While experts say American marriage overall has declined for decades, the retreat is especially severe among blacks.

U.S. Census statistics showed that in 2002, 48 percent of all black families were headed by married couples, compared with 82 percent of non-Hispanic white families.

Social changes that began eroding marriage in the 1960s had an especially harsh effect on black families already stressed by outside discrimination, said Brad Wilcox, who studies marriage at the University of Virginia.

Wage decreases made it harder for black men to support wives. Policy changes, meanwhile, made it easier for unmarried women to gain welfare benefits, he said.

“It sort of unwittingly made it less necessary for women across the board, and for black women in particular, to get married,” Wilcox said.

Years later, leaders blame the shift for a checklist of community ills.

“Look around at the jails and prisons,” Muhammad said. “They’re full of black men from single-parent households.”

Atlanta event planner Teresa Lassiter believes today’s career-minded black women are foregoing marriage for lack of equally accomplished companions.

In 2004, 26.5 percent of black males ages 18 to 24 were enrolled in college versus 36.5 percent of black women that age, according to the American Council on Education.

“If I’m a woman with a PhD, I don’t want to marry a brother who works at the car wash,” said Lassiter, who organized a weekend of relationship workshops, a vow renewal ceremony and even on-the-spot weddings in metro Atlanta.

Some also blame media portrayals for discouraging blacks from walking down the aisle.

“When is the last time you have seen a healthy African-American marriage portrayed on television? It’s probably been since the Cosbys,” said the Rev. Mark Edwards, whose 8,000-member Friendship-West Baptist Church, in Dallas, will present gifts to married couples and host discussions on topics like intimacy.

“We see images where the black male is no longer part of a healthy home,” Edwards said. “When the black male isn’t part of the home, something or someone else will be.”

Back in Virginia, community leaders are trying to change attitudes toward marriage in grade school.

Through their “For You I Will” relationship training program, Stafford and Nichole Armstead teach urban Richmond youth how to make smart decisions about sex and relationships. The program culminates in a mock wedding at which children exchange vows of sexual abstinence; Saturday, they’ll “marry” an 11-year-old bride and a 10-year-old groom to mark the group’s anniversary.

A few blocks away, Blackmon and Kindu Shabazz will chat with teens about subjects like dealing with a crush, as part of their own Black Marriage Day workshops.

They’re partners in the push to get more blacks to the altar. They’re also sweethearts planning their own fall wedding.

With strong communication, Blackmon, 30, and Shabazz, 38, are certain they can make a black marriage work.

“I’ve been in and out of relationships and I can honestly say they weren’t love — that was confusion,” Shabazz said, his arm cradling Blackmon. “With Adia, there was no confusion.”

___

On the Net:

Black Marriage Day http://www.blackmarriageday.com/

COMMENTS

Listen to our show daily at http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships or call into the show live at (347) 324-5083. We will love to have you as our very own special guest. And please rate our show. We feel we have a passion and understanding for what we are talking about on “Love, Sex, Marriage & Relationship Show”. Join me Live, and introduce yourself.

We acknowledge each guest who joins our radio show.

Love ya!

Michele Hughes & Lauren Banks-Bolden

Kimora Simmons To

Divorce Hip-Hop Mogul

Couple Separated In 2006

POSTED: 2:29 pm CDT March 27, 2008

UPDATED: 2:59 pm CDT March 27, 2008

LOS ANGELES — Two years after their legal separation, Kimora Lee Simmons has officially filed for divorce from hip-hop entrepreneur Russell Simmons. The couple separated in March 2006, citing irreconcilable differences. Kimora Lee Simmons is 32 and Russell Simmons is 50. She is seeking custody of their children, although she’s asking that her estranged husband be granted visitation — so long as the children’s nanny and security are around. Most recently, Kimora Lee Simmons has been dating actor Djimon Honsou.

Copyright 2008 by The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.

    Life has changed and we are being pulled into our leaders extra marital affairs.  What do think about all this buzz about our Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick in Detroit.   How are you looking at this situation and the information that is being released.  It should make everyone aware of texting on your mobile telephone.    This will teach people from being so explicit.  I am not saying people should lie.  But we have no privacy anymore. 

     It will come to a point where they will be able to know what you are doing inside of your home.  You just have no privacy anymore.  Well, what do you think about all these leaders being brought down for their lustful relationships that doesn’t involve their wife.

   I want you to call into our show live on tomorrow.  We are going to have a two part show.   Join me on Blog Talk Radio,  everyday at 10:00 a.m,  the link is http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships  or call in with your comments at (347) 324-5083.    I look forward to you calling in and letting me know how you feel about the recent sex scandals.  I want to here your comments.

 Hear you on the show,

Michele R. Hughes, Host 

Technorati Profile

Ladies,  Listen up!   Join me Monday at 10:00 a.m. on Blog Talk Radio.  Here is the link: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/lovesexrelationships .  If you are interested in knowing some of the things and secrets men wish we knew.  It is interesting that we live a life time and still not know what men desires are.

Well, stop living in a blind world tune-in Monday on my show, “Love, Sex, Marriage and Relationship Show to find out more.  We want you to also call in live with your questions and comments that number is (347) 324-5083. 

 I will see you Monday at 10:00 a.m. on Blog Talk Radio.  See ya, Monday!

Michele Hughes